A GOOD DAY FOR A WAR
By Dean Carriere
Two residents of Hamilton Psychiatric Hospital are sitting together in the cafeteria. One suddenly stands up and loudly exclaims, “Shine your boots boys, and saddle your horses. We’re going to war!
The one beside him says, “Sir, Sir…why today?”
The first replies, “It’s Monday and we haven’t had a good war in a long time.”
“Who do you think we should go to war with, General?”
“Well, I was thinking we should attack Bhutan. We haven’t done that one yet.”
“Sir, if you’ll permit me, that doesn’t sound like good enough reason.”
“Lieutenant, they have this radical philosophy there called Cross National Happiness. It’s a philosophy that guides the government of Bhutan. It includes an index which is used to measure the collective happiness and well-being of its population. It’s outrageous. I want to go there and wipe the smiles right off their silly mountain faces.”
“General, I think instead we should attack the United States of America.”
“Attack the United States! What have you been smoking Lieutenant? That President Trump is too unpredictable. How can one fight a conventional war against such and idiot? There is no way of determining what move he’ll make next. Even he doesn’t know.”
“General, I’m not talking about conventional warfare. I’m talking about a limited strategic attack. We attack and take over the U.S. Senate.”
“The U.S. Senate! Lieutenant, are you nits? How in the hell would we do that with all their security?”
“Sir, I know the chef. He’s Mexican and he hates Trump. He’ll get us in via a food truck to the kitchen.”
“Okay, then how do we get into the Senate Chambers?”
“General, we’ll attack in the afternoon when all the Senators are asleep. As a precaution we’ll run sleeping gas through the heating ducts. Simple.”
“Okay, so what do we do once we’re in the Senate chambers?”
“Remember during the Second World War, how the Gurkhas attacked that German encampment, crept in to the German tents and cut all the soldiers boot laces as they slept with their boots on? When the German soldiers awoke and discovered this they were scared out of their wits and immediately raised the white flag. Similarly, when the Senators awake, they will be equally horrified and will capitulate…in time. Simple, cheap, bloodless. We will have a list of demands that we will provide CNN to read over the airways after we are safely clear of the battlefield. These demands will include the adoption of the principles of the Bhutanese constitution. Along with the list of demands will be the threat of further action with more horrifying consequences… if our demands are not met in the time frame allotted. When our demands are met, there will be a new order allowing ordinary American people to be free of barriers to good health, education and economic opportunity. Then you can come forth as the mastermind….a real hero to the American people and to ordinary people the world over.”
“Jeez, a real hero, that sounds swell, Lieutenant!”
The General rises up again and addresses the whole cafeteria. “Okay men, mount up. We’re going to war!”
The Lieutenant responds: “Sir, I cut your shoe laces while we were talking.”
The cafeteria patrons all break into song:
The General he went riding…hoorah, hoorah
He rode a wild hobby horse…hoorah, hoorah
They jumped the fences in his mind…hoorah, hoorah
And raced towards the setting sun…hoorah, hoorah
No more restraining straps…ha, ha…ha, ha
I am free, I am free…hoorah, hoorah
My army, my army for thee hoorah
By Dean Carriere
Two residents of Hamilton Psychiatric Hospital are sitting together in the cafeteria. One suddenly stands up and loudly exclaims, “Shine your boots boys, and saddle your horses. We’re going to war!
The one beside him says, “Sir, Sir…why today?”
The first replies, “It’s Monday and we haven’t had a good war in a long time.”
“Who do you think we should go to war with, General?”
“Well, I was thinking we should attack Bhutan. We haven’t done that one yet.”
“Sir, if you’ll permit me, that doesn’t sound like good enough reason.”
“Lieutenant, they have this radical philosophy there called Cross National Happiness. It’s a philosophy that guides the government of Bhutan. It includes an index which is used to measure the collective happiness and well-being of its population. It’s outrageous. I want to go there and wipe the smiles right off their silly mountain faces.”
“General, I think instead we should attack the United States of America.”
“Attack the United States! What have you been smoking Lieutenant? That President Trump is too unpredictable. How can one fight a conventional war against such and idiot? There is no way of determining what move he’ll make next. Even he doesn’t know.”
“General, I’m not talking about conventional warfare. I’m talking about a limited strategic attack. We attack and take over the U.S. Senate.”
“The U.S. Senate! Lieutenant, are you nits? How in the hell would we do that with all their security?”
“Sir, I know the chef. He’s Mexican and he hates Trump. He’ll get us in via a food truck to the kitchen.”
“Okay, then how do we get into the Senate Chambers?”
“General, we’ll attack in the afternoon when all the Senators are asleep. As a precaution we’ll run sleeping gas through the heating ducts. Simple.”
“Okay, so what do we do once we’re in the Senate chambers?”
“Remember during the Second World War, how the Gurkhas attacked that German encampment, crept in to the German tents and cut all the soldiers boot laces as they slept with their boots on? When the German soldiers awoke and discovered this they were scared out of their wits and immediately raised the white flag. Similarly, when the Senators awake, they will be equally horrified and will capitulate…in time. Simple, cheap, bloodless. We will have a list of demands that we will provide CNN to read over the airways after we are safely clear of the battlefield. These demands will include the adoption of the principles of the Bhutanese constitution. Along with the list of demands will be the threat of further action with more horrifying consequences… if our demands are not met in the time frame allotted. When our demands are met, there will be a new order allowing ordinary American people to be free of barriers to good health, education and economic opportunity. Then you can come forth as the mastermind….a real hero to the American people and to ordinary people the world over.”
“Jeez, a real hero, that sounds swell, Lieutenant!”
The General rises up again and addresses the whole cafeteria. “Okay men, mount up. We’re going to war!”
The Lieutenant responds: “Sir, I cut your shoe laces while we were talking.”
The cafeteria patrons all break into song:
The General he went riding…hoorah, hoorah
He rode a wild hobby horse…hoorah, hoorah
They jumped the fences in his mind…hoorah, hoorah
And raced towards the setting sun…hoorah, hoorah
No more restraining straps…ha, ha…ha, ha
I am free, I am free…hoorah, hoorah
My army, my army for thee hoorah